Hands up if you’re bone tired!
*meekly lifts a drooping claw*
For years people have accused me of “not knowing how to relax”.
Slow down and put your feet up, you’ll feel so much better!
It’s not always that simple.
I do not find it hard to relax, if by “relax” you mean “be still”. In fact, thanks to the chronic exhaustion that settled in after breast cancer and work-related burnout, I now have to lie down after almost every burst of exertion, including Zoom calls with any mental or emotional intensity. Most of my evenings are spent flat on my back on the sofa or in the bath.
The good news is that I’m letting myself do this now.
The bad news is that it’s not quite enough.
Turns out, collapsing in a heap isn’t all that restorative. This is because the restoration of energy is not just about physical rest. There’s a mental/emotional component to it, too, and I find this aspect trickier to address.
To the casual observer, I may be slack-jawed on a fainting couch, but if you could peep under the hood, you’d see a mental hamster wheel whirring incessantly. Running through to-do lists, trying to plan for every possible scenario in an unknown future, even putting too much energy into healing practices can create an exhausting—and inescapable—internal environment. In fact, this busy-brain chatter gets even louder when my body is idle, which turns stillness into restlessness and wrecks my sleep.
I know I’m not alone in this. A friend of mine who is a leader in her organization “burned some PTO” last week. When I asked whether she got some actual downtime during her week off, she admitted she couldn’t help dipping into her to-do list, explaining, “I find it hard to switch off.”
My inbox has quietened down a lot since I closed the doors on my business, but I still find my anxiety ramping up when I step away from email for more than an hour on a weekday.
What exactly am I afraid of?
I’m lazy. This is the fear of moral failure. My inner judge calls me self-indulgent, even self-destructive, if I rest or go offline. It says that a “better person” would be able to keep taking on more and more.
For this pernicious bullshit, I am pointing the finger at late-stage capitalism, which tells us we are worthless when we’re not producing.
I’m going to “get in trouble” for resting. This is the fear of anger or punishment. Like a strict teacher who raps your knuckles with a ruler for daydreaming, it warns me that someone is going to be mad at me if I am not immediately available at all times.
This is what happens when people-pleasing gets dressed up and goes to the office. Yes, demanding clients and bosses exist, and some of them are bullies. But do I subconsciously believe I’m never allowed to prioritize my needs over their impatience? That’s on me.
I’m falling so far behind I will never catch up. This is plain ol’ survival fear. There’s a never-ending list of potential things to do, and my survival brain tells me that just because I could be doing these things means I should be doing them all.
This is a tricky one because many of us are seriously overtasked, and those fires are not going to put themselves out. But, again, I need to ask myself: Is this the only way my life can be? Why am I in this job? What would it take to make a change?
“The Work” developed by Byron Katie offers us a powerful tool to challenge and neutralize thoughts that keep us stuck in a bad place through a specific sequence of questions. Here’s how I used it on a long-held limiting belief that contributed to my burnout.
Limiting belief: “I have to do stuff I hate to support myself”
Is it true?
Yes. Everybody has to do stuff they hate as part of their job or career.
Can I absolutely know it’s true that “I have to do stuff I hate to support myself?”
No. Not absolutely.
How do I think/feel/behave when I think this thought?
I feel resentful, hopeless, exhausted.
I seek out stuff to do that I hate(!)
I neglect myself; I say no to comforts and treats.
I force myself to override my limits and work to the point of exhaustion on things I don’t enjoy.
Who would I be without this thought? How might my thoughts/feelings/behavior be different?
I would feel lighter and freer.
I would notice my interests more, follow my curiosity, and choose to spend my time and energy on inherently rewarding activities.
I would take care of myself without guilt and prioritize my health and happiness.
I would find creative ways to bring in money that don’t involve working on tasks I hate.
Now we challenge the firmly held belief by turning it around. Can the opposite of that statement be equally true? Can I find evidence in the form of examples?
Turnaround 1: I have to do what I LOVE to support myself.
When I am doing what I love, I feel brighter, more energetic, more magnetic, more confident, more optimistic.
I love writing. The more I write, the more support and encouragement I receive.
I love coaching. Immersing myself in coaching tools and principles supports me in establishing healthier habits and a happier life.
Turnaround 2: I DON’T have to do stuff I hate to support myself.
I’ve received income from activities I love, such as coaching and writing.
I can decide to do more of these things to support myself.
At times I’ve even earned cash that required no effort at all, in the form of residuals from acting, licensing payments, and Airbnb rental payments.
Turnaround 3: I have to support myself (emotionally, financially, and energetically) by not doing stuff I don’t like.
It’s up to me to decide how I spend my time and how I live my life. For example:
I get to choose whether or not I take a job, work with a certain client, or say yes to a request.
When I make choices in alignment with my true desires and interests, I’m happier. If I’m unhappy with my lot, it’s my prerogative to make a change.
Well, that settles it. I don’t have to do stuff I hate to support myself, and neither do you.
Simon says: Manage your energy, not your time
Last week on The Selfish Gift podcast (Episode 36) I interviewed Simon Alexander Ong, life coach, speaker, and author of Energize: Make the Most of Every Moment.
He says that time management is not the secret to a productive and rewarding life. Instead, we should be managing our energy! His breakdown of the four types of energy is so relevant to this conversation about burnout and explains why napping on the weekend can’t make up for being in the wrong career.
Simon has had an incredible journey as a fast-rising star in the personal development world. Tune in to hear his tips on how to accelerate a career as a speaker, coach, and author in an authentic and powerful way. (He also shares some highly creative and inspiring book marketing techniques!)
Coach with me
Want to bust apart some limiting beliefs with me? I’ve got two weekly spots set aside for coaching, and one of them could be yours!
We can work on just about anything that’s getting in the way of your best life, but my particular specialisms are:
Creativity and writer’s block:
Reinventing yourself
Releasing past trauma and finally getting off the roller coaster
Sobriety, and the winding steps toward it
Coaching is still a new practice for me and I haven’t even got a page up on my website about it yet. If you’re curious, let’s just have a quick chat to find out if we’re a fit.